Merry

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named “Governmentium.” Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 deputy neutrons, 75 assistant neutrons, and 224 deputy assistant neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no protons or electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every action with which it comes into contact.

A minute amount of Governmentium causes a reaction to take 4 days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as “Critical Morass.” When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

- From our big dusty archive of funny email
(Authors Unknown)

An 85 year old man marries a lovely 25 year old woman. Because her new husband is so old the woman decides that on their wedding night they should have separate suites. She is concerned that the old fellow could overexert himself. After the festivities she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on the door she is expecting.

Sure enough the knock comes and there is her groom ready for action. They unite in conjugal union and all goes well whereupon he takes his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night.

After a few minutes there’s a knock on the door and there the old guy is again ready. Somewhat surprised she consents to further coupling which is again successful after which the octogenarian bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is certainly ready for slumber at this point and is close to sleep for the second time when there is another knock at the door and there he is again fresh as a 25 year old and ready for more.

Once again they do the horizontal boogie. As they’re laying in afterglow the young woman says to him, “I am really impressed that a guy your age has enough juice to go for it three times. I’ve been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one.”

The old guy looks puzzled and turns to her and says, “Was I already here?”

- From our big dusty archive of funny email
(Authors Unknown)

A beautiful blonde woman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the woman hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank.

Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, “We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”

The woman replied, “Where else in New York can I park my car safely for two weeks for only fifteen dollars?”

- From our big dusty archive of funny email
(Authors Unknown)

Carol received a parrot for her birthday. This parrot was fully grown, with a bad attitude and a worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that were not expletive were, to say the least, rude. Carol tried hard to change the bird’s attitude, and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music . . . anything she could think of to try to set a good example. Nothing worked.

She yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. She shook the bird, and the bird got even angrier, and ruder. Finally, in a moment of desperation, Carol put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments she heard the bird squawking, kicking, and screaming — then suddenly there was quiet. Carol was frightened that she might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out on to Carol’s extended arm and said, “I’m sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions, and I ask for your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior.”

Carol was astonished at the bird’s change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change, when the parrot continued, “May I ask what the chicken did?”

- From our big dusty archive of funny email
(Authors Unknown)

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for awhile, the two nuns decided to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

“Who is it?”, calls one of the nuns. “Blind man,” replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

“Nice tits,” says the man, “where do you want these blinds?”

- From our big dusty archive of funny email
(Authors Unknown)

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Aluminum Foil Detection Beanie

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