Psyche

It’s a very good thing to have dreams and aspirations. The problem is, which ones do you chase? Which ones do you lock in as a goal, and work toward? For some people this is a no-brainer, but for others — especially creative types who have a very large range of interests — choosing can be difficult. So difficult, in fact, that you end up making no choice at all.

Another pitfall is choosing to pursue something that, in the end, you lose interest in. The time in your life is finite, and it’s a shame to waste that time and energy chasing something that turns out to be a whim. That’s why it’s best to take some time up front, studying, to discover what it is you really want out of life, before you dedicate a lot more time working toward it.

It’s like that Talking Heads song Seen and Not Seen, where the guy spends years slowly changing the shape of his own face to an ideal, which — halfway through — he decides isn’t what he really wants.

Here’s what I did, and it worked for me. Maybe it will work for you as well.

Spend a couple weeks making a list of the things you really want out of life. Don’t be afraid to think big. What is it you really want?

Don’t worry about listing them in order, and if you think of something else later, you can add it in at any time.

My [highly edited] personal example:

• See New Zealand
• Get a really good camera
• Write for a living
• Become a gourmet chef
• Paint pictures
• Pursue photography
• Own a Starbucks
• Live in a beach house
• Own a Bookstore
• Learn computer programming
• Learn database programming

Make sure you don’t lose this list. I kept mine on my Palm Pilot, because I carried it with me everywhere. You can keep it on your computer, in a blog, or in a notebook you know you won’t lose. It doesn’t matter where, just as long as it’s accessible and safe.

Now, over the course of the next 6 months to a year (or even longer if you’d like), go down this list and rate your desire for each one on a scale from zero to ten, using decimals if you so choose. Do it at least once a month. When you’re done, you’ll have a list of numbers beside each:

• See New Zealand – 8.2/3.2/5.6/9/8.8/6.3/6.6/7/8/10
• Get a really good camera – 8.1/9/9.3/4/5/6/3/6.6/8/10
• Write for a living – 7.4/9.3/8/9/7/6/9/10/9/10
• Become a gourmet chef – 7.2/2.1/3/4/3.4/4.3/8.2/4/5.3/4
• Paint pictures – 6.7/8/4.4/3/0/2/4.4/3/6.7/0
• Pursue professional photography – 6.5/9.9/8/2/0/2/3
• Own a Starbucks – 4.8/0/1/0/0
• Live in a beach house – 9.5/8.2/9.8/8/9/8/7/8/10
• Own a Bookstore – 4.1/0/3/0/2.7/2
• Learn computer programming – 1/1/0/2/4/0/0
• Learn database programming – 1/3.4/0/1/2.3/4/1.1/1

You can see immediately the goals I’ve consistently craved over time are things like a beach house and a really cool camera (I’m leaning toward either a Nikon or Canon digital SLR). One of the things obviously a whim was my desire to open a Starbucks of my very own.

Now, average each one up and sort them highest to lowest:

• Write for a living – 8.5 Average
• Live in a beach house – 8.4 Average
• See New Zealand – 7.3 Average
• Get a really good camera – 6.9 Average
• Become a gourmet chef – 4.5 Average
• Pursue professional photography – 4.5 Average
• Paint pictures – 3.8 Average
• Own a Bookstore – 2.0 Average
• Learn database programming – 1.8 Average
• Own a Starbucks – 1.2 Average
• Learn computer programming – 1.1 Average

And there you go. You have a well researched list of what you want out of life. Concentrate on the top of the list, and forget about everything averaging below a seven in your ratings.

I did this about three years ago. I’ve achieved the top item on the list, and am now working toward the others. (Being that the camera was so close to being a seven, it’s still on my list of goals, but it’s a lower priority.)

Now, right in the middle of all this, you may stumble into something else that fires your rockets. Add it in. Pursue it a bit. Study it as well.

The most important thing is to make sure you enjoy it, and keep enjoying it. It could turn out that something on your list (that you’ve wanted for over a year) will suddenly drop off after you’ve started pursing it. Maybe something you pursued while you were making your list takes its place.

It’s okay. If you feel a passion for something, and the passion doesn’t fade, you may not even need to make a list or study your long term desires.

If that happens, then I am happy for you! Go for it!

If not, then at least you have a solid place to start. And everything you do, learn from it. If you can do that, then nothing is wasted, and you’re living your life to its fullest.

I’ve seen this happen over and over again among family and friends, and it hurts to watch.  And as far as I can see it never ends well.

To generalize this, let’s make up a story about Dick and Jane.  I’m making Dick the controlling partner, because I usually see it on the male side of the relationship, but it isn’t always so.  This is written hopefully to help Dick understand why it seems the world has turned against him, and what he needs to do makes things better for himself and those he loves.

So as our story begins, Dick and Jane fall in love and get married.  Immediately afterwards, Dick’s attitude toward Jane changes.  She’s his property now, his wife, and he is the husband.  Dick is now the Lord and Master of his castle.

Incidentally, we can’t blame Dick for this sudden attitude shift.  This is what he’d been taught by his parents, which they in turn had been taught by their parents.  This is not what you’d call an enlightened family, more a traditional one.  In the old days this was the accepted rule of thumb.

Fast forward to the new millennia.  This is no longer how society works.  Change which began a half century before has now come to fruition.  Man and woman are equal partners in a relationship, and in society.

Jane has been taught this, if not by her family then by society itself.  She is a equal and free person.  She has equal rights, and no limits to what she can pursue in life.  She can run for President of the United States if she so chooses.

This archaic rule her new husband is now trying to impose upon her does not sit well.  Jane has sudden and serious second thoughts about this marriage, but something keeps her in it.  Be it love, or a sense of obligation, or stubbornness – or most likely, the false hope that she can change him – something makes her stay.

The first few years are a period of adjustment anyway.  Quibbles and quarrels are part of the natural landscape.  Over time they settle into a sense of equilibrium, especially as children arrive into their marriage.

But slowly, over time, Dick has devised (or perhaps, evolved) ways to control Jane so that he feels secure.  Here’s a few examples:

• Monetary controls – she only has access to specific amounts of money, if any at all.
• Communication controls – he checks on her constantly.
• Transportation controls – she doesn’t have a car, or at least not a reliable one.
• Social controls – he has approval/disapproval powers over who she can have as friends.

If Jane has accepted this – if she has the type of psyche where this makes her feel secure – then she may grumble but that’s the end of our story.  But our story is not about that type of Jane.  Our Jane is resentful, feels trapped, and against her will has started thinking of Dick as The Enemy.

Now, you see, Dick loves Jane.  To him, he’s taking care of her.

Jane, however, is now starting to resent, and starting to fall out of love with, her own husband.  She begins pulling away, trying to free herself, to demand some autonomy.

Dick will have none of that.  In fact, the moment he feels he’s losing control he starts to panic, and does rash things.  He lashes out, tells her she’s misbehaving, tells her she’s causing all sorts of trouble.  He punishes her psychologically and sometimes even physically.  Worst of all, he puts all the blame on her.

This does serious damage to the marriage.  Jane now goes undercover, pursuing her freedom in covert ways.  Dick has ceased being a life companion and has now totally become The Enemy.  Her love for him may not be fully extinguished at this point, but hate has crept into the picture … it’s become a love/hate relationship.

Dick doesn’t know what else to do.  He was brought up with the understanding that control is the only path, that he must remain in charge.  When he inevitably catches Jane doing the unthinkable – outright defying him – it throws him into blind panic.  He doesn’t understand why the woman he loves has turned against him, and so now he feels betrayed.  As far as he’s concerned, he’s given her everything.

And he may have – monetarily.  He may have provided for all her material needs, and her physical needs.  But he has denied her the one thing she needs most:  freedom.

At this point it’s probably too late to save this relationship.  Too many bridges have been burned.  Dick and Jane are getting divorced.

Sadly, if Dick doesn’t learn what caused this disaster, he’s doomed to repeat it with other people in his life.  He’ll drive away his own children, and probably his next wife as well.

However – and unfortunately – Dick is usually the type of person who blames everyone else for all his problems, as he literally doesn’t see or understand that he caused them.  So step one for Dick is to accept responsibility for his own actions.

Dick needs to do something called “root cause analysis” on his own life.  He has to look at his problems and ask himself, sincerely, “What did I do to cause this,” and he has to be brave enough to accept the answer that will inevitably come to him.

It is never too late to change.  It’s never too late to turn a new page in your life and start again.

Here’s a to-do list for Dick:

• Accept responsibility for your actions and stop blaming other people.
• Accept that you need to change, and truly want to do so.
• Accept that in many cases you’re not the victim of your problems, you are the unwitting culprit who caused them.
• Accept that the choices you make cause the things that happen in your life.
• Accept that you make mistakes, and that’s okay as long as you learn from them.
• Learn to let go of the illusion that you can control people.  You cannot.  The only person you can control is yourself.
• Accept that the only person you can change is yourself.
• Learn to accept people as they are.
• Learn to love unconditionally.  Do not demand or expect things in return.
• Learn to trust people, especially those you love.
• Learn to give people freedom, and trust that – because you’re sincerely trying to be the best person you can be – they will not abandon you.
• If they do leave you, you have to let them go and trust that it wasn’t meant to be.  If you let them go graciously there’s always the chance they’ll come back.
• Always focus on trying to be the best person you can be.

The most important thing Dick has to accept is that you cannot force people to love you, and that you cannot force people to stay with you.  Instead you have to learn to become the type of person people would never dream of leaving.  To do that you must be willing to give them:

• Unconditional love
• Unconditional encouragement
• Unconditional freedom

If Dick cannot do that, then he is doomed to repeat his failures.

Here’s a bit of psyche mojo for when you have to ask someone for something, like a raise from your boss, or some extra time off from work.

First, make a list of reasons to back up your request. In the case of a raise, come up with all your job-related accomplishments and things you’ve done that are above and beyond the call of duty. In the case of time off, list all the extra hours you’ve put in without pay. Include times and dates, and what you were working on. The secret here is to be specific.

Then, when you’re actually asking, ask in a strong and straightforward manner. “I’ve been working hard and I deserve a raise,” or, “I put in a lot of extra time, and I want some time off with pay to compensate.” Never, ever ask in a weak, roundabout way, like, “Do you think, um, that it would be possible to, say, maybe, consider giving me a raise?” Psychologically, a weak question is easier to dismiss, and you’ve given them the advantage to laugh it off like you were joking, or simply say “Sorry, not this year.”

Now, you’ve asked your strong, demanding question. Without skipping a beat, follow up by asking for much more than you actually want. This is key, because there’s an outside chance that you’ll get it, but even more importantly, this gives you room to negotiate down to what you really want.

Next, and before they have a chance to respond to the amount, immediately list off all the reasons that you deserve this thing you’re asking for. This will keep them off balance and chip away at their ability to say no. Be calm, not too aggressive — don’t act angry and put them on the defensive — simply state it all in a matter of fact, earnest voice.

I deserve a raise. I want x number of dollars. I deserve it because yadda yadda yadda.

The most likely response will be, “I can’t give you that much, but…” and they’ll rattle off a lower amount. You counter with one that’s a bit less than your original demand. And, with luck, you negotiate down to your goal.

This works with more than just raises and time off. Use your imagination, and then get what you deserve.

Chronic remorse, as all the moralists agree, is a most undesirable sentiment. If you have behaved badly, repent, make what amends you can and address yourself to the task of behaving better next time.

On no account brood over your wrongdoing.

Rolling in the muck is not the best way of getting clean.

- Aldous Huxley, A Brave New World

While reading about Heisenberg’s uncertainty principal, it struck me — as I sure it has many people — how profound a clue this is to the true nature of reality.

You know when you dream, and you’re dreaming that you’re reading something, and you can’t read it twice because the words constantly change? Have you ever had that experience? It’s because the words on the page in your dream are actually your thoughts, and since your thoughts aren’t static, they can’t remain intact on your dream-page. The words flow and change constantly.

This may be the true nature of the uncertainty principal in physics. You look at the basic particles of reality and they’re constantly changing. You can’t know how fast they’re going, and at the same time know where they are, and they’re constantly borrowing energy from the future or past. Just like words flowing willy-nilly over a dream page.

Could it be this way because we’re trying to look at our own thoughts, or perhaps God’s thoughts? Because reality is a mere dream, whether it be our own, or God’s?

Could it be that the Universe itself is sentient? Why not? We are, and we’re almost infinitely less complex than the Universe.

Could it be we are the thoughts inside a Universal Mind, thoughts which are trying to see themselves and the Mind which they inhabit? It’s akin to a self-aware AI program trying to figure out the true nature of reality from INSIDE the computer that its reality is running on. All it sees are bits and bytes, not the computer chips or wires.

Similarly all we see are random particles popping in and out of existence. We can’t see outside the “program” which is the Universe. We can’t see the circuits and wires “outside.”

But that doesn’t mean they’re not there.